Nervous Breakdown

I have noticed that when nearly unmanageable events occur in my life it results in a nervous breakdown. Let me specify my nearly unmanageable event. My roof is leaking. I'm pretty sure I need a new roof. I am currently awaiting an estimate. I don't have money for a new roof. My car will be paid off in five months and I really don't want to go into debt again. I was really excited about having the extra money after the car was paid off. Not now. I'm sure I will have to go into debt over this. Crap. That is not the point.
The point is I'm supposed to be describing my nervous breakdown. As contradictory as it sounds as was fully aware during my breakdown. Truly, my nervous system was offline and kept trying to start back up.

My thoughts were so disorganized that I could not keep names, items, etc straight. My reflects and balance were off. I was dropping and spilling all over the place. My emotions were inconsistent. I was happy then sad then angry then indifferent. I would forget basic words. A true nervous break down. I'm sure this whole roof thing will work itself out, but I was a mess last night. Today is much better. I also appreciated being told that I was not my normal cheery self. That means that at work I'm normally pleasant and entertaining. Another good point is that I was able to make money last night in spite of my nervous breakdown.

Searching for an Explanation

I believe it was a week ago when I dreamt about my own exorcism. I was at my parents house telling a story in the old kitchen.  Everyone was seated around me listening intently. I had no idea that I was possessed and what was about to happen. My old priest came in and began immediately. It wasn't a conventional exorcism by any means. The priest addressed me and stepped behind me and proceeded to draw the demon out with his hands. I leaned my head back over the chair and my body locked up. I could actually feel this in the dream. I could still see and hear everyone but I could not respond. Then I experienced pain as the demon was drawn out. Surprisingly, I felt elated afterwards. I had this intense euphoria for a could seconds, again, that I could actually feel. Pretty much after that the dream ended. I'm still trying to decipher this dream. What I do is that I have been trying to be a better person now. I seem happier. But what was the demon and what actual good did it do to have it drawn from my body?

Quarter life crisis

It has been over a year since my last post. I was posting regularly when I worked in an office on a relatively routine 9 to 5. I was miserable then and I think that helped me to write. I was having trouble sleeping throughout that time because I was having

panic attacks about being stuck in that job and growing old while being miserable. I haven't had one in about 10 months now. That part of my life is over and I am happy.

So much has changed in the year since I left that job. I now paint and film and try to do things with my life that I never would have before. I want to do something that is lasting. I want to leave my mark behind. When people ask me, " what do you do these days" I want to be able to say I just live and that is plenty enough.

We get so used to being miserable everyday that we forget how to be happy. I can't believe how absurd it is to some people that being happy is my main focus.

The Mind is Willing

There have been some significant events in my life lately, but I would like to comment first on this one. Yesterday my father ran three continuous miles in the blistering heat and humidity. Last year he was only able to run about .6 miles continuously. The pace was slow, but steady. I would look back at him and I saw it was hard, but he kept trucking. In the past two years my father has lost over 50 pounds and converted his life to a much healthier one. Yesterday he confessed, "A few years ago is was aging and my body was breaking down. Now, I'm becoming healthier and stronger each day." What an absolutely astounding perspective. My parents have been slowly changing their lives. They have seen what I have done over the past five years and have been inspired. On Memorial Day I ran a mini marathon (13 miles) a few days after having a 101.4 fever. My parents and girlfriend were there at almost every water check in cheering me on. They saw what the human body is capable of as long as the mind is willing.

Well, the mind is willing with no end in sight. I have crossed a major milestone and so has my father.

Next, I have a very menacing milestone...my future.

On Death (Briefly)

Recently, I found myself in the middle of a philosophical death debate with someone whom had lost a loved one.

Just like politics and religion, all interconnected, none of the subjects ever end with a clear and competent agreement.

What follows is just a collection of ideas.

Humans will never grasp the concept of infinity. Humans will never be able to appreciate infinity. Our nature is next, fast, and temporary. We learn to appreciate what little we can with the notion of loss.

A human is comprised of matter and energy. Neither of the two can ever be destroyed or created. We are merely a carrier of two beings of infinity. Why is it so hard to understand or appreciate two ideas that are body's are vessels for housing?

Does the after life contain just or energy or matter or both? Where does the matter and energy go on Earth when we die if it stays on this planet? Does it float into the ozone layer and come back down?

Are of the items of knowing finally given when we die?

Do our dead selves look down and whisper the secrets of the universe to our live loved ones?

If this universe was created several billion years ago, was there another universe before this one? Was the previous universe like ours now?

Are all the tools to answer the above questions swirling in my brain with the same information like a G chord or how to drive a car?

are those thoughts rippling

finally,

I was noticed,

at the end of a saber

that just barely

pierced my the wall

of my heart.

this isn't,

a love sick poem,

or a curse to a lover,

that didn't pay

any mind at all

i'm just being sharp.

I could be vague,

i could promise plagues
if i had nothing

nice to sayother than

i hope you're doing well.

no, no, no,

this is just envy

of malicious greed

that takes from every person

and harms the ones

in need.

i'm only strumming,

chumming

the waters

watching for predators

to come across

our borders.

the pain of our labor

from every original thought

glances the pages

of a volume

of a book that's already lost.

so when the thorn

breaks the surface

of my lotion lathered skin

just think about the piercing

from someone you called a friend.

well, well, well, you're lying

well

aren't we

tiny lukewarm raindrops

pounded by an endless number

of tiny raindrops

collecting down a drain.

well

we all live for something

until the dream of death is gone

or the fear of anonymity is

too far reaching

this is how we carry on.

well

the threat of living dirty

and dying in the streets

is a pack of smokes

and a tattoo away

water's rushing at your feet.

you can't fight the direction you're in

when you're falling down a well

the water's cold

and dark

you wouldn't think this is hell.

but you say

i'm fine, i'm great

the only problems

are the ones

I create.

things are only well

swimming in the well

when you sink lower

and water pooling is your fate.