You're bad, I'm good. I'm bad, you're good.

Hold on.

What are you holding on to?

Just wait.

What are you waiting for?

Don't know.

What is worth knowing?

In time.

When is long enough?

My eyes don't need changing.

My mouth is forever blaming.

I'm so tired of forever faking.

Why can't I move ahead?

Why are my feet so full of lead?

Why do I just want to stay in bed?

I guess it's a matter

of just changing the sheets

something to make life feel complete

if I could just get motivated.

For now I'll guess I'll just draw the shades

promise tomorrow that I'll change.

Holding out until the colors fade

then just rewash them.

You're so tired of hearing me complain

think there's something wrong with my brain,

just don't know how much I'm hurting.

Can you pick up some ether on the way home

or maybe chloroform from down the road,

that's all my grocery list really is.

A collection of wishes, of things I never did.

I Saw Red

I saw red last night. And I'm not just talking about the color red pasted everywhere for Valentine's Day. I had a super awesome Valentine's Day with friends and family. I would not have spent it any other way.

But, I saw red.

I saw rage like I haven't seen it for some time. I felt it so strongly that I could not sleep. I having been mildly shaking all day with rage. Like a ringing in my ears and a tiny palpitation in my heart.

I will not go into details. I will give the bare minimum to protect the innocence of the ignorant.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love. Love of the romantic kind specifically, and love in general. Some people are incapable of loving by the way.

Last night there was an assassin about. The assassin hated love and most likely hated himself. He was a bull. He was primed for combat. He wore a slain lover at his side like a trophy. He was large and oppressive. The assassin attempted to oppress others from having a good time. The assassin attempted to oppress love. I don't believe the assassin was completely aware of how destructive his actions can be. I don't think he is in control of his intentions. I think he was bred. He must have been. A creature of hate and anger. Who could raise such a creature? I know what I must do. I must love him. I must love the creature. As I stared into his eyes and my words cut deeply into his toughened soul, I realized that I too was hating. He was bleeding. He was cornered. He was the great hunter awaiting to be taken down and consumed. But this is not the wild. We are animals, but we are human. I will love him. It can be the only way that I can distinguish myself from him.

But never. Never shall I allow for someone to oppress me. I will challenge any force that tries to dictate my existence. I will be pure, I will live forever.

New Holiday

Have you noticed, that the manner in which a holiday is declared, has to do with many factors? Halloween, for instance, is a collaborative effort of multiple cultures converging on basically two days for a plethora of activities ranging from prayer to handing out candy.

Of course there are those holidays that are significant to the area that celebrates them like various Independence days.

What I noticed yesterday is that we are on the threshold of declaring a new holiday that is unique to our country-The Super Bowl. There are several qualifiers so bear with me here:

For one- we need a leading up period for the public to buy all the necessary ingredients for the event and the producers receive another boost in their annual sales. Holidays are big business.

Two- we a focal point for the holiday, whether it be the Easter Bunny, Jesus, the Groundhog, etc. In this case we not only have the teams that are competing in the game, but the commercials and halftime show.

Three-What's the most important component to a successful or unsuccessful holiday? Spending that holiday with the ones you love. And you what do we do? We host Superbowl parties with friends and family.

Four-Food. We cook Turkey for Thanksgiving, Ham for Easter, barbecue everything for July 4th. So what do we cook for Superbowl? Munchies. Munchies are the designated food of the Superbowl. This could range from buffalo wings to pizza to that weird texmex dip that everyone eats.

Five-Traditional dress. For Christmas we wear those ugly Christmas sweaters, Halloween we have costumes, Easter we wear our bonnets and Sunday best. For the Superbowl it's a no-brainer. We have the two teams jerseys or related memorabilia. Or you could just wear the teams colors.

The Superbowl has become so much more than just a commercialized event to make money. It is a day to share with friends and family. It's yet another day when the world is watching the United States to see athletes, no titans, competing in their peak performance. I hate football, but I watched it and enjoyed the show. I most certainly plan on celebrating Superbowl next year and carrying on that tradition for many years.

Smash the Mirror

Yesterday, 02/02/10, was Groundhog Day. I couldn't help but be reminded of the movie starring Bill Murray. I love Bill Murray and most of the movies he has starred in. Which has nothing to do with this.

See, he gets stuck in Groundhog Day for an unspecified number of days until he can do that day correctly. His personal relationships and general disposition had to change in order for him to move on in life. The question I want to raise is; what if today was the day you were stuck in? What would you do differently tomorrow if you lived today over? Just as important; what if you lived this day over, how would you handle that? Could you handle that? I've been obsessing over this type of question lately. I think partly because I'm 28 years old and I want more out of life. I look in the mirror under these unforgiving fluorescent lights and I can see myself aging. But will living every day like it's your last drive a person crazy? I guess I have to act on this now before I stop noticing myself aging in the mirror.

I Found my Battery

Okay, I write this blog so it's appropriate to write about accomplishments of mine,without thinking I sound pretentious, right?

I'm not a half-assed commitment type of person anymore.

Things in my life have changed.

I have unlocked something that I never want to go away.

I have unlocked a source of willpower that has already enabled me to do so much.

I have taken this willpower and created a New Years Resolution List. This is not some sissy "I'm really gonna do it" promise.

This is an early bucket list.

This is a list of items I have wanted to do for sometime and have been too consumed with distracting myself with daily life to complete.

I am happy to announce I have already completed some items. Just last night I completed another item.

I ran five miles yesterday, nonstop, in 40 minutes. I was a little dehydrated before and during, so when I stopped my face was hot and dry and my eyes were bloodshot.

In the mirror I appeared 20 years older. It was scary, but just a natural effect of not hydrating enough.

This milestone unlocks the next set of items; the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and finally the mini-marathon 13 mile run.

Dark clouds are clearing and each item brings me closer to realizing a dormant potential that nearly broke under depression, frustration, and hopelessness.
Yesterday, I was alive.

Today, I am alive.

My life expectancy is increasing with each day.

Blankets of Morning Dew

The mist hung around today, the kind of mist that normally appears in the morning and slowly dissipates in the afternoon. The kind of mist that reminds me of all the thoughts and feelings of the day before misting away in our slumber. Every night, anew escaping our minds and flying away into the dark matter of the universe.

But today the mist did not go away. Today, the thoughts and dreams were too strong to evaporate. As I drove around mid afternoon I noticed how differently everything looked shrouded in the mist. Something is changing. Our ideas are wanting to stay.

The collective is coming.

The only ones that can't see will be the ones lost in it.

It could be only a matter of temperature, moisture, and the sun but I would like to think otherwise.

Whistling

There is a wind whistling in my ears,

the kind of wind that drowns every other sound out.

Like alone on the river,

or a nearly empty parking lot.

A wind that stops all motions

that have been spiraling out of control

in the void of a distracted brain.

I first heard a wind in middle school

when I was out for Christmas break.

The sun was shining

and I was alone, alone with a wind.

I could focus then,

but of course with less distraction.

I'm learning to start listening for a wind again

to slow down and think,

and let the rest of my life begin.

Thanks buddy. I've been away for awhile.