The Mind is Willing

There have been some significant events in my life lately, but I would like to comment first on this one. Yesterday my father ran three continuous miles in the blistering heat and humidity. Last year he was only able to run about .6 miles continuously. The pace was slow, but steady. I would look back at him and I saw it was hard, but he kept trucking. In the past two years my father has lost over 50 pounds and converted his life to a much healthier one. Yesterday he confessed, "A few years ago is was aging and my body was breaking down. Now, I'm becoming healthier and stronger each day." What an absolutely astounding perspective. My parents have been slowly changing their lives. They have seen what I have done over the past five years and have been inspired. On Memorial Day I ran a mini marathon (13 miles) a few days after having a 101.4 fever. My parents and girlfriend were there at almost every water check in cheering me on. They saw what the human body is capable of as long as the mind is willing.

Well, the mind is willing with no end in sight. I have crossed a major milestone and so has my father.

Next, I have a very menacing milestone...my future.

On Death (Briefly)

Recently, I found myself in the middle of a philosophical death debate with someone whom had lost a loved one.

Just like politics and religion, all interconnected, none of the subjects ever end with a clear and competent agreement.

What follows is just a collection of ideas.

Humans will never grasp the concept of infinity. Humans will never be able to appreciate infinity. Our nature is next, fast, and temporary. We learn to appreciate what little we can with the notion of loss.

A human is comprised of matter and energy. Neither of the two can ever be destroyed or created. We are merely a carrier of two beings of infinity. Why is it so hard to understand or appreciate two ideas that are body's are vessels for housing?

Does the after life contain just or energy or matter or both? Where does the matter and energy go on Earth when we die if it stays on this planet? Does it float into the ozone layer and come back down?

Are of the items of knowing finally given when we die?

Do our dead selves look down and whisper the secrets of the universe to our live loved ones?

If this universe was created several billion years ago, was there another universe before this one? Was the previous universe like ours now?

Are all the tools to answer the above questions swirling in my brain with the same information like a G chord or how to drive a car?

are those thoughts rippling

finally,

I was noticed,

at the end of a saber

that just barely

pierced my the wall

of my heart.

this isn't,

a love sick poem,

or a curse to a lover,

that didn't pay

any mind at all

i'm just being sharp.

I could be vague,

i could promise plagues
if i had nothing

nice to sayother than

i hope you're doing well.

no, no, no,

this is just envy

of malicious greed

that takes from every person

and harms the ones

in need.

i'm only strumming,

chumming

the waters

watching for predators

to come across

our borders.

the pain of our labor

from every original thought

glances the pages

of a volume

of a book that's already lost.

so when the thorn

breaks the surface

of my lotion lathered skin

just think about the piercing

from someone you called a friend.

well, well, well, you're lying

well

aren't we

tiny lukewarm raindrops

pounded by an endless number

of tiny raindrops

collecting down a drain.

well

we all live for something

until the dream of death is gone

or the fear of anonymity is

too far reaching

this is how we carry on.

well

the threat of living dirty

and dying in the streets

is a pack of smokes

and a tattoo away

water's rushing at your feet.

you can't fight the direction you're in

when you're falling down a well

the water's cold

and dark

you wouldn't think this is hell.

but you say

i'm fine, i'm great

the only problems

are the ones

I create.

things are only well

swimming in the well

when you sink lower

and water pooling is your fate.

From a Helping Hand to a Hex.

We're in the middle

but we don't now what

looking for an identity

something we can trust.

But every idea

that someone has

gets beat to the ground

and smothered in the grass.

We need someone to speak

for all of us

but can be discredited

after making a fuss.

Do you get what I'm saying

you're never pleased

every time you put a person

into the hot seat.

You can sit where you're safe

question and debate

pointing your finger

only to save your name.

There are only so many times

you can complete this charade

before your system crashes down

and your position unmade.

It's just that now WE

are catching on

and you are in danger

of being gone.

The old usurped by the new

who wont sit and stew

it's time we all knew

your fault your nightmare is true.

Get the switch, that dogs at it again

What does it mean to be a weasel?

Surely, you are familiar when a human is referred to as a weasel or being weaselly, but is that a bum rap for a weasel? Weasels are quite resourceful and resilient. Also, the wolverine, of which the animal like X-man is named after, is a force to be reckoned with...of the weasel family.

I think invertebrate or jellyfish may be more suitable, but then again, those creatures have survived on this earth much longer than us humans.

It's difficult to determine to say the least.

I'm thinking rat or cockroach, but doing whatever you can to survive is well...survival.

Hmm...maybe a song would help:

You don't sing like

a nightingale

more like a mule,

you're so confident

with your standing,

not knowing

you're a fool.

You bite the hand

that feeds

when you're touched

you bleed

barking, just barking

maybe it's a leash

you need.

Staked to the ground

you watch the world

spin round

and think making

an observation about it

is profound.

You, your ego,

and your accomplice

another head

for Cerberus,

what you are

just another guard dog,

for a bucket of piss.

Hide in the shadows

and in hollow trees

until you're scared off

by a few tiny bees.

Look at you running,

flailing your arms

all the while cursing

"I didn't mean any harm."

No one believes you,

no one to turn to

your three heads chewing

on the same leather shoe

that someone threw out

for a pile meant for the trash

if they catch that animal chewing

surely he'll get a lash.

On Guard Ye Demons

I gave up a couple of personal demons for Lent. I was raised Catholic, and I'm not the perfect example of a practicing Catholic, but I admire some characteristics and try to do them. One obviously is sacrifice. Sacrifice is universal in all religions, but the act of refraining from something until Easter is particular to Catholicism, I think.

My demons, by the way, are two activities that I should not engage in anyway, depending on whom you ask.

But what I have noticed is that I have experienced quite an increase in clarity and focus. I have been able to complete certain tasks that previously have been "unobtainable." I bought a very nice acoustic guitar and am getting back to music. I removed a window from my house as well and that is something I never would have done before.

I have actually seen my performance at my job improve. There is a big difference between being depressed at your job and being effective and being depressed and being ineffective. Now that I have let my demons go I can see that.

Sacrifice makes us stronger as long as we are sacrificing the right things. And by that I mean our demons first. Back Ye Demons!

You're bad, I'm good. I'm bad, you're good.

Hold on.

What are you holding on to?

Just wait.

What are you waiting for?

Don't know.

What is worth knowing?

In time.

When is long enough?

My eyes don't need changing.

My mouth is forever blaming.

I'm so tired of forever faking.

Why can't I move ahead?

Why are my feet so full of lead?

Why do I just want to stay in bed?

I guess it's a matter

of just changing the sheets

something to make life feel complete

if I could just get motivated.

For now I'll guess I'll just draw the shades

promise tomorrow that I'll change.

Holding out until the colors fade

then just rewash them.

You're so tired of hearing me complain

think there's something wrong with my brain,

just don't know how much I'm hurting.

Can you pick up some ether on the way home

or maybe chloroform from down the road,

that's all my grocery list really is.

A collection of wishes, of things I never did.

I Saw Red

I saw red last night. And I'm not just talking about the color red pasted everywhere for Valentine's Day. I had a super awesome Valentine's Day with friends and family. I would not have spent it any other way.

But, I saw red.

I saw rage like I haven't seen it for some time. I felt it so strongly that I could not sleep. I having been mildly shaking all day with rage. Like a ringing in my ears and a tiny palpitation in my heart.

I will not go into details. I will give the bare minimum to protect the innocence of the ignorant.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love. Love of the romantic kind specifically, and love in general. Some people are incapable of loving by the way.

Last night there was an assassin about. The assassin hated love and most likely hated himself. He was a bull. He was primed for combat. He wore a slain lover at his side like a trophy. He was large and oppressive. The assassin attempted to oppress others from having a good time. The assassin attempted to oppress love. I don't believe the assassin was completely aware of how destructive his actions can be. I don't think he is in control of his intentions. I think he was bred. He must have been. A creature of hate and anger. Who could raise such a creature? I know what I must do. I must love him. I must love the creature. As I stared into his eyes and my words cut deeply into his toughened soul, I realized that I too was hating. He was bleeding. He was cornered. He was the great hunter awaiting to be taken down and consumed. But this is not the wild. We are animals, but we are human. I will love him. It can be the only way that I can distinguish myself from him.

But never. Never shall I allow for someone to oppress me. I will challenge any force that tries to dictate my existence. I will be pure, I will live forever.

New Holiday

Have you noticed, that the manner in which a holiday is declared, has to do with many factors? Halloween, for instance, is a collaborative effort of multiple cultures converging on basically two days for a plethora of activities ranging from prayer to handing out candy.

Of course there are those holidays that are significant to the area that celebrates them like various Independence days.

What I noticed yesterday is that we are on the threshold of declaring a new holiday that is unique to our country-The Super Bowl. There are several qualifiers so bear with me here:

For one- we need a leading up period for the public to buy all the necessary ingredients for the event and the producers receive another boost in their annual sales. Holidays are big business.

Two- we a focal point for the holiday, whether it be the Easter Bunny, Jesus, the Groundhog, etc. In this case we not only have the teams that are competing in the game, but the commercials and halftime show.

Three-What's the most important component to a successful or unsuccessful holiday? Spending that holiday with the ones you love. And you what do we do? We host Superbowl parties with friends and family.

Four-Food. We cook Turkey for Thanksgiving, Ham for Easter, barbecue everything for July 4th. So what do we cook for Superbowl? Munchies. Munchies are the designated food of the Superbowl. This could range from buffalo wings to pizza to that weird texmex dip that everyone eats.

Five-Traditional dress. For Christmas we wear those ugly Christmas sweaters, Halloween we have costumes, Easter we wear our bonnets and Sunday best. For the Superbowl it's a no-brainer. We have the two teams jerseys or related memorabilia. Or you could just wear the teams colors.

The Superbowl has become so much more than just a commercialized event to make money. It is a day to share with friends and family. It's yet another day when the world is watching the United States to see athletes, no titans, competing in their peak performance. I hate football, but I watched it and enjoyed the show. I most certainly plan on celebrating Superbowl next year and carrying on that tradition for many years.

Smash the Mirror

Yesterday, 02/02/10, was Groundhog Day. I couldn't help but be reminded of the movie starring Bill Murray. I love Bill Murray and most of the movies he has starred in. Which has nothing to do with this.

See, he gets stuck in Groundhog Day for an unspecified number of days until he can do that day correctly. His personal relationships and general disposition had to change in order for him to move on in life. The question I want to raise is; what if today was the day you were stuck in? What would you do differently tomorrow if you lived today over? Just as important; what if you lived this day over, how would you handle that? Could you handle that? I've been obsessing over this type of question lately. I think partly because I'm 28 years old and I want more out of life. I look in the mirror under these unforgiving fluorescent lights and I can see myself aging. But will living every day like it's your last drive a person crazy? I guess I have to act on this now before I stop noticing myself aging in the mirror.

I Found my Battery

Okay, I write this blog so it's appropriate to write about accomplishments of mine,without thinking I sound pretentious, right?

I'm not a half-assed commitment type of person anymore.

Things in my life have changed.

I have unlocked something that I never want to go away.

I have unlocked a source of willpower that has already enabled me to do so much.

I have taken this willpower and created a New Years Resolution List. This is not some sissy "I'm really gonna do it" promise.

This is an early bucket list.

This is a list of items I have wanted to do for sometime and have been too consumed with distracting myself with daily life to complete.

I am happy to announce I have already completed some items. Just last night I completed another item.

I ran five miles yesterday, nonstop, in 40 minutes. I was a little dehydrated before and during, so when I stopped my face was hot and dry and my eyes were bloodshot.

In the mirror I appeared 20 years older. It was scary, but just a natural effect of not hydrating enough.

This milestone unlocks the next set of items; the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and finally the mini-marathon 13 mile run.

Dark clouds are clearing and each item brings me closer to realizing a dormant potential that nearly broke under depression, frustration, and hopelessness.
Yesterday, I was alive.

Today, I am alive.

My life expectancy is increasing with each day.

Blankets of Morning Dew

The mist hung around today, the kind of mist that normally appears in the morning and slowly dissipates in the afternoon. The kind of mist that reminds me of all the thoughts and feelings of the day before misting away in our slumber. Every night, anew escaping our minds and flying away into the dark matter of the universe.

But today the mist did not go away. Today, the thoughts and dreams were too strong to evaporate. As I drove around mid afternoon I noticed how differently everything looked shrouded in the mist. Something is changing. Our ideas are wanting to stay.

The collective is coming.

The only ones that can't see will be the ones lost in it.

It could be only a matter of temperature, moisture, and the sun but I would like to think otherwise.

Whistling

There is a wind whistling in my ears,

the kind of wind that drowns every other sound out.

Like alone on the river,

or a nearly empty parking lot.

A wind that stops all motions

that have been spiraling out of control

in the void of a distracted brain.

I first heard a wind in middle school

when I was out for Christmas break.

The sun was shining

and I was alone, alone with a wind.

I could focus then,

but of course with less distraction.

I'm learning to start listening for a wind again

to slow down and think,

and let the rest of my life begin.

Thanks buddy. I've been away for awhile.