Nervous Breakdown

I have noticed that when nearly unmanageable events occur in my life it results in a nervous breakdown. Let me specify my nearly unmanageable event. My roof is leaking. I'm pretty sure I need a new roof. I am currently awaiting an estimate. I don't have money for a new roof. My car will be paid off in five months and I really don't want to go into debt again. I was really excited about having the extra money after the car was paid off. Not now. I'm sure I will have to go into debt over this. Crap. That is not the point.
The point is I'm supposed to be describing my nervous breakdown. As contradictory as it sounds as was fully aware during my breakdown. Truly, my nervous system was offline and kept trying to start back up.

My thoughts were so disorganized that I could not keep names, items, etc straight. My reflects and balance were off. I was dropping and spilling all over the place. My emotions were inconsistent. I was happy then sad then angry then indifferent. I would forget basic words. A true nervous break down. I'm sure this whole roof thing will work itself out, but I was a mess last night. Today is much better. I also appreciated being told that I was not my normal cheery self. That means that at work I'm normally pleasant and entertaining. Another good point is that I was able to make money last night in spite of my nervous breakdown.

Searching for an Explanation

I believe it was a week ago when I dreamt about my own exorcism. I was at my parents house telling a story in the old kitchen.  Everyone was seated around me listening intently. I had no idea that I was possessed and what was about to happen. My old priest came in and began immediately. It wasn't a conventional exorcism by any means. The priest addressed me and stepped behind me and proceeded to draw the demon out with his hands. I leaned my head back over the chair and my body locked up. I could actually feel this in the dream. I could still see and hear everyone but I could not respond. Then I experienced pain as the demon was drawn out. Surprisingly, I felt elated afterwards. I had this intense euphoria for a could seconds, again, that I could actually feel. Pretty much after that the dream ended. I'm still trying to decipher this dream. What I do is that I have been trying to be a better person now. I seem happier. But what was the demon and what actual good did it do to have it drawn from my body?

Quarter life crisis

It has been over a year since my last post. I was posting regularly when I worked in an office on a relatively routine 9 to 5. I was miserable then and I think that helped me to write. I was having trouble sleeping throughout that time because I was having

panic attacks about being stuck in that job and growing old while being miserable. I haven't had one in about 10 months now. That part of my life is over and I am happy.

So much has changed in the year since I left that job. I now paint and film and try to do things with my life that I never would have before. I want to do something that is lasting. I want to leave my mark behind. When people ask me, " what do you do these days" I want to be able to say I just live and that is plenty enough.

We get so used to being miserable everyday that we forget how to be happy. I can't believe how absurd it is to some people that being happy is my main focus.